Cognitive and Behavioral Dissonance
(Learning to navigate life through SSRI withdrawal, the return of depression, and when How I Feel and How I Act refuse to line up.)
Friday night, I went to a friend’s house to celebrate St. Patrick’s Day — a spontaneous gathering of potluck-style Irish food, best friends, and good vibes. On the outside.
On the inside, I’d been simultaneously looking forward to this get-together and (what I’m now realizing) dreading it all week.
Cognitive dissonance is an absolute rager inside my brain right now.
Looking back, almost the entire night drained me. Despite the fact that I was around some of the people that I hold most dear in life (best friends of 12–18 years), all I wanted for about 90% of the time was to leave. Not because anyone was doing anything wrong, but because I realized pretty dang quickly upon arrival that I did not have the wherewithal to be there.
I had recently, with my doc’s approval because I was doing so well emotionally, weened myself off of an SSRI (Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitor — an antidepressant that increases the levels of serotonin in your brain), and had been fully off of it for around 3 weeks at the time of the party. Citalopram, my particular SSRI, has a long half-life, meaning it’ll stay in my system for quite some time even after I’ve stopped…
